Chapter 34
There was a column on the spreadsheet for alcohol that included 45 cases of beer, 70 bottles of wine, 200 cans of hard seltzer, and eight handles each of gin, vodka, and tequila. Next to it, in a much skinner column, were mixers and chasers like orange juice, Jameson, and artisanal picklebacks handcrafted by a Brooklyn brinery.
Dee hovered her cursor over the alcohol column on the large screen in the glass-walled conference room at FitFams headquarters in New York.
“So you’ll see here who is responsible for picking up these products and getting them to Stowe for the retreat,” Dee said. “Use your corporate cards.”
She was standing at the head of an enormous, oval, milky-white ceramic conference table. Tara and Shelly were at her sides, straddling posture-improving, surprisingly comfortable, pink-wool upholstered chairs designed by Jonas Hakaniemi that looked like small saddles perched on posts with four rolling feet. The rest of the team looked like they were sitting in pale pink versions of the four-legged molcajete bowls you mash guacamole in, with their knees at the same level as their heads, their feet dangling above the floor and their laptops balancing precariously on their thighs.
They typed quickly as Dee continued scrolling through the spreadsheet. “Georgina,” she said to her branding and marketing lead, “make sure to bring the swag we haven’t been able to move.”
“Sure thing,” Georgina said.
“Everyone, you have a week to get this and all of the other planning tasks done,” Dee said. “Plenty of time.”
This was a tighter timeline than usual. The team betrayed some anxiety by typing a little bit faster.
“So we’ll have 56 studio managers at Topnotch Resort. Per usual, they’ll bunk in pairs, in standard rooms,” Dee said. “Tara, Shelly, and I will be staying in Resort Home 571A. Sheldon, Ben, and Jimmy will stay in the Moss Glenn Suite. Coral and Georgina, you’ll be in the Deluxe Double.”
Dee paused to see if anyone would challenge her for booking herself and her squad the best lodging. She almost wanted the others to stand up to her, and looked from face to face in search of a fight. Only Coral lifted her eyes from her screen, but as soon as her gaze met Dee’s, she quickly looked back down at her computer as though she’d been chastised.
“Sounds good, boss,” said Jimmy, the annoying tech lead. “Hashtag psyched.”
Dee sighed. She gave him a quick once-over. Oh, how she wished she could tell the team the truth about him. But the sizeable “silent” investment from George Walhickey III was conditional on Dee employing his son from a secret second family, and keeping that information to herself.
Plus, Jimmy understood VPN, PRI, SIP, JPG, GIF, WTF, and all the other technological crap she had no time, energy, or interest in learning about and managing. So he had some utility.
“These next few slides detail our schedule for the weekend,” Dee said.
On the screen was a color-coded calendar, to be shared with each attendee at the retreat, that included an intricate breakdown of activity for Friday night, Saturday, Saturday night, and Sunday until 7:30 a.m.:
Friday
All personnel has arrived and checked in at Topnotch by 4:30 p.m. EST
4:30 p.m. to 5 p.m.: free time
5 p.m. to 6 p.m.: guided visualization session for full team with Shaman Jeff
6 p.m. to 7 p.m.: full-team dinner at resort, with remarks from Tony Robbins
7 p.m. to 9 p.m.: full-team drinking games in the Summit Room
7 p.m. to 7:30 p.m.: boat races
7:30 p.m. to 8 p.m.: flip cup
8 p.m. to 8:30 p.m.: quarters tournament
8:30 p.m. to 9 p.m.: beer pong
9 p.m. until ?: full-team social hours
Saturday
6:30 a.m. to 7:30 a.m.: high-intensity, bodyweight-based interval training class with instructor TBD
(“Tara, I need you to confirm that Harley Pasternak can make it,” Dee said, and Tara gave a thumbs up.)
7:30 a.m.: mandatory green smoothies
7:30 a.m. to 8 a.m.: shower break
8 a.m. to 9 a.m.: “The FitFams Way,” a lecture from Dee
(“Sheldon, don’t forget to bring the new, supplemental training manuals,” Dee said.)
9 a.m. to 10 a.m.: “Get That Paper: How to Boost Revenue in Your Studio,” led by Shelly
10 a.m. to 11 a.m.: breakout sessions by geographic region
10 a.m. to 10:30 a.m.: handling employee discontent and unionization efforts
10:30 a.m. to 11 a.m.: role play — Studio Manager vs. Non-Committing Client
11 a.m. to 11:30 a.m.: towel-folding contest!
11:30 a.m. to 12:30 p.m.: light team lunch
12:30 p.m. to 1 p.m.: Abs and Ass class with Sheldon
1 p.m. to 1:30 p.m.: shower break
1:30 p.m. to 2:30 p.m.: “The Push/Pull Effect: How to Make Your Clients Want You,” led by Tara and Dee
2:30 p.m. to 3:30 p.m.: breakout sessions by geographic region
2:30 p.m. to 3:15 p.m.: role play — Studio Manager in Push/Pull vs. Client
3:15 p.m. to 3:30 p.m.: critiques of role play
3:30 p.m. to 4:30 p.m.: “Moving Merch,” a workshop with Georgina
4:30 p.m. to 5 p.m.: Happy Half-Hour with mandatory shots
5 p.m. to 6:30 p.m.: Circle Game
(“It’s a game in which each person shares their deepest and darkest secrets in the circle of trust,” Dee said before Jimmy could ask. “You’ll learn more when you do it.”)
6:30 p.m. to 7:30 p.m.: full team dinner at resort, with remarks about how fitness can bring you closer to your higher power, from a pastor at a Los Angeles church frequented by celebrities
(“I think the guy I know got kicked out for a sex addiction,” Dee said to Sheldon. “Make sure you’ve booked someone squeaky-clean.”)
7:30 p.m. to 9 p.m.: Happy Hour(s)
(Dee explained the new exercise that would take place during this time period: “The leadership team will set their watches for 15-minute intervals. Then we’ll segment the room, and each of us will approach a group of studio managers. They’ll be vulnerable after sharing their stories in the Circle Game and having drinks, so we’ll be able to get a sense of whether any of them are sowing discontent in their studios or engaging in anything off-brand. Our watches will buzz, without the managers knowing, and we’ll start the ‘bumping’ — I’ll move to the next group and Tara will introduce me into the conversation. I’ll then ‘bump’ her, which means she’ll gracefully move on to the next group and do the same thing to the leadership-team member there. This will continue until we’ve all rotated through all of the groups in the room. Later that night we’ll each fill in a report — you’ll get a template — on what we learned and share it with each other.”)
9 p.m. until ?: full team social hours
Sunday (schedule applies to studio managers only; leadership team will be otherwise engaged)
6 a.m. to 7 a.m. mandatory yoga led by Topnotch-provided instructor (cost: $15 per person)
7 a.m. to 7:30 a.m. free time to find breakfast
7:30 a.m. departure for all studio managers
“Shelly, Tara, and I are staying Sunday, to chill and go to the spa,” Dee said to the leadership team. “You’re welcome to do the same, using your own funds.”
Dee again waited to see if this would elicit a reaction akin to a kid yelling, “no fair!” But the room was silent, save for the clacking of keys and then, from Jimmy:
“Hashtag super-pumped.”
Dee rolled her eyes and ended the meeting.